Hair Dyed as ” Outward & Visible Sign”

I colored my hair.

Again.

Yep.

Ani Difranco wrote in one of her amazing songs: ” I am trying to evolve, just trying to evolve”

Dang, that woman’s poetry is so poignant. { I appreciate her words , even when she speaks  opinions to which I totally disagree.}

My hair color lately has taken to reflecting my evolution….my slow but sure evolution into whomever God wants me to become. I’m not good with changes normally, but when faced with stress or feeling restless the first thing I want to do is somehow alter my appearance. In the past this has taken some rather….unhealthy forms but the new hair dye obsession does not harm anyone.  Hair is  comprised of dead cells anyhow so eventually it will grow back to  its natural color{ but I HATE my natural color!!}

I’m proud to report that I took precautions in my bathroom to assure that there is no ” mess” left on the walls, in the shower, sink , or floor of the bathroom. { My first attempt at home hair dyeing rendered my bathroom  splattered * everywhere* with that smelly  stuff.}

This time I colored it a darker brown: basically removed the red hues from my previous color. I like the results a lot.  My mother hates my hair color, but them Mom wants me to remain a blonde. I’m not a blonde anymore than I am a Presbyterian anymore.  Presbyterianism & blonde hair is part of my heritage but  God doesn’t want me as a blonde.

But what DOES God want me to evolve into? Hair dye won’t solve the internal feelings of restlessness as experienced by me as if late & I am totally aware of this fact.  I am discovering tha the process of discernment is NOTHING like picking out a box of a color with which to dye my hair while perusing the local Walgreens’.  Discernment is a heck of a lot  more hazy than that. Hazy is a good adjective for my state of mind  now. I can’t see anything….and people tell me what they see but is what they { other people} see really of God?

I’m a different person now & changing my hair color is a way in which I outwardly express my inner sense of metamorphosis.  Many people decorate their flesh with tattoos, but I am TERRIFIED of needles but have no fear of the perils of  toxic hair dye.

I am unsettled, & to me hair dye is a way in which I can safely express my  unsettled feelings. I know God is working in me  in a * big* way but as to how I do not know. My Spiritual Director advised me to just” rest in the knowledge that God wants you to be YOU at this moment.” Normally Fr Bob gives great advice & I know  his advice has a lot of merit.

But I cannot help but feel  unsettled & restless…like I should be doing MORE for the Kingdom of God  & working harder to bring our world a bit closer to what ++Katharine Jefferts-Schori calls ” shalom”.

Is there a Dye Anonymous support group. Hmm. Maybe I should be asking if there is a discernment support group in my Diocese. I needed it yesterday.

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Comments

  • Mary  On 03/21/2010 at 5:26 am

    I really enjoyed this!!!

  • Sarah Beth  On 03/23/2010 at 12:39 am

    Thanks….:O) I wonder sometimes if people read me at all.

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