Heart of the matter: Forgiveness

Hi, my name is Sarah & I am severely CDO. Not OCD, mind you but its far worse cousin CDO.

I’m an obsessive planner. But I am learning , that this personality trait is quite a blessing when channelled properly. { and when working with VERY compassionate & understanding individuals}

Today my priest & I met to discuss further plans for the parish’s Youth & Childrens’ Ministry. According to him, I have yet to generate an idea that he does not like! :O) This makes me very happy, as I’ve begun this part of my journey about two and a half years ago from a very dark & painful place. When I first arrived at my parish & subsequently TEC} I hadn’t any self-confidence…it was at least 6 months before I’d sing in the choir & even more time until I felt ready to serve in worship as lay reader! I’d come to my parish broken & shaken & it took a heck of a lot of healing for me to step back & realize my own God-given gifts fo leadership.

A big part of my realizing & fullfilling my baptized ministry was my first year of the Education For Ministry program out of The University of The South.

As part of our time together, those of us in EfM are asked to tell our ” spiritual autobiography”. No kidding , this is the hardest tale I’ve ever had to tell people! { so says the journalism major!!} Up until my first sharing of my autobiography, I’d not ” owned” all the pain with which I’d come to my parish. Through the process of writing the spiritual autobiography,I’d discovered that I still carried the painful burden within my soul .I’d though I’d forgiven but when I prayerfully explored my own spiritual autobiography realized that the pain still lingered. As a matter of fact, I’d requested to our EfM mentor that I be the last person to share my story. I had reasons for this request:
1. I’m a fairly ” new” Episcopalian.
2. I am the youngest member of the group, born in 1976
3. Trust issues. I live in a small community & REALLY worried about anything I said getting around. Yeah, this is a fear that I am now over….but it took a long time for to feel like confidences would be kept.

Spiritual pain sucks…and for me, being so unforgiving sucks more. :O( But in retrospect, I am so grateful for the folks in my parish, my diocese & the wider Church. The heart of the matter is that I am a proud Episcopalian with many spiritual gifts to share with the world. My ministry as the Education Director for my parish is a lot of work, but it is work that fills me with total JOY! If I did not return to liturgical service both as a choir member & lay reader I knew I would no feel as fulfilled as I do.

Have I forgiven completely? I’m not sure. But frankly I am where God wants me to be & doing what I’m supposed to do right now.

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  • smurlene  On 08/26/2010 at 2:02 am

    I am so glad that you have found healing! You are a courageous person to face that pain and turn it into good!!

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