New Year,New ministry, New Me. { the latter, I wish}

Happy Jewish New Year, y’all.

{ Yeah, I am Jewish on my mother’s side of the family & dang proud of it, too. }

New Year, at least accordng to the Jewish calendar, a new ministry{ which is exciting yet somewhat overwhelming, as I am still on a ” steep learning curve”.} & a new me. Okkk, I wish there were a new me, but the fact is that some things are way beyond my control . Anyone who knows me at all knows what a crazy, OCD introvert I am.
I wish I could:
1} purge mself of my insecurities
2} forgive ” them”. While I am in a much helathier & happier place now than I’ve ever been, thanks be to God, there is still some residual pain going on. Today I went through my Facebook ” friend list” & purged all the folks from my previous life as a Presbyterian. It hurts too damn bad & its bad enogh that I wasted ten years of my life with those dysfunctional people.I cannot, no matter how hard I try, forget nor totally forgive that particluar group of people. No only did they spiritually abuse me, they also pulled some nasty stuff with folks about whom I care.

I wanna make one thing clear: the abusers in this case were NOT clergy. They were the lay leadership. This church has a core of ” elite” who pretty much ran things…even when they had no official position of responsibility. When I first came to my parish & TEC, I lacked trust in ” church people” & it took about 6 months for me to start to emerge from the protective ” cocoon”. I’d seen so much ugliness at the former Presbyterian church that I wanted NOTHING to do with any groups. I came to Mass every Sunday & worshipped quietly. As much as I love to sing in the choir & serve as a lay reader at Mass, I was so spiritually broken that I waited 7 months before joining the choir & 9 months before I felt ready to read aloud at Mass. People talk of abusive clergy all the time, but I had dealt with a VERY verbally-abusive choirmistress for years…even after she left the damage had been done. Golly, I must have quit & started that choir about ten times over the course of 8 years. When “Ms Hyde” was my choirmistress I tried to tell the pastor about her abuse but naturally it went untouched & unresolved. That pastor, although a good person, is totally self-absorbed & very ineffective. As much as I want to hate her I cannot because I feel sorry for her. And as for being a lay reader at Mass, the reason why I was so hesitant to start serving in that capacity again was because of a very embarassing incident regarding serving as a reader in the former church.

UGH.

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